The Akatsuki Pimp?
by shadowsspell4792
Summary: All the Male akatsuki are girls, what does this mean for the new leader? Why is Konan a dude? And what's with the pimp shades? Idea from a daydream I had. Extremely random One-Shot. Umm... Yeah. Rated T for language and suggestive themes. -Humor-


_**Don't ask. Just don't. I don't expect anybody to like it, but I felt I needed to write it. This was actually inspired by a daydream I had while in school. Just a load of crap :D Its only a one-shot, so no need to be worried about there being more of this bs. Anyways, here's to my freaky daydream!**_

The light shone through the broken shack window as Kisame started to stir. The trees swayed and light pentrated the leaf cover and more light beamed onto Kisame's face. He blinked and tried to fall back asleep, but to no avial. His white blanket fell off him and landed on the floor as he rose to a sitting position. "Ugh..." He said as he rubbed his back. Kisame's sleep was restless.

He shook his head to clear his vision and the ringing in his ears. Squeals and shouts came from outside the room. Curious, Kisame poked his head outside the creaky door.

"Back off bitch!" Hidan yelled at Kakuzu, who was hitting Hidan on the head. Kisame's eyes widened and he slammed the door back shut and gasped. "B-b-b..." He spun around and looked at himself in the mirror, and was relieved not to see the anything on him. "Was it just a hallucination?" He popped his head back out of the door, only to come face-to-face with Itachi.

"Morning leader-sama..." Leader-Sama? And why... Itachi's hair hung down loosely on his shoulders. Not the usual pony tail. Kisame blushed as he looked further down Itachi's body.

The akatsuki cloak had a bump in it on Itachi's chest. Kisame punched himself to shake off the red on his blue cheeks.

"Leader-Sempai!~" Tobi squished around itachi and hugged Kisame.

"Morning Leader." Sasori said from behind Itachi. "Can we talk about our jobs now?" The she-Sasori said.

Kisame wasn't used to being a leader, nor did he remember how he got to be the leader. And... why are all the male akatsuki girls? What the hell happened here? He threw on his cloak quickly.

"What about Pein?..." He asked Sasori as he put his arms in the sleeves.

"What do you mean? She's right over there." Sasori gestured her head to the right and towards female Pein, who was sitting on the couch next to Konan.

Konan was a man. The white flower was on the collar of his open black akatsuki cloak. His blue hair was still long, but was no longer in a bun.

Kisame scooted past the three girls outside his room and approached Pein, who was also a girl.

"Leader? What's going on here?" Kisame asked, leaning in so only he and Pein could hear.

"Huh? You're the leader here." She said. That confirmed it. Konan stood up and pulled Kisame to the side.

"Leader, we need to do something about these girls... They're getting restless." He gestured to Hidan and Kakuzu, bitch fighting. "Maybe you should give them some missions." He suggested. Kisame nodded and walked over to what would usually be Pein's office. Papers were layed out on his desk, each with mission descriptions on them. He grabbed a random stack of papers and returned to the living room, now with everybody gathered around the couch.

Kisame's eyes were immediatly drawn to Hidan's chest. Her cloak was still open, just barely covering anything censorable. Kisame shook his head violently to snap out of it. _They're still them. _He repeated over and over in his head. "Kakuzu and Hidan, go and capture this criminal that has been... well, just read it." He handed Kakuzu the paper, and she nodded. Hidan stood up and whined about having to work with Kakuzu. As they left, Hidan winked seductively to Kisame and they dissapeared in the surrounding forest outside the cottage.

Kisame tried to keep his mind off the fact that they were women.

"Umm... Sasori and... Tobi. Go check this village out. There is supposedly a jinchuriki host there." Kisame handed them the paper and a map. He noticed that both Sasori and Tobi were in the akatsuki at one time, and noted it as odd. That left Deidara, Pein, Konan, Itachi and Zetsu.

Zetsu appeared from the floor behind Kisame and put her hands on his shoulders.

"What can we do?" The halves said in unison, their voices deep yet feminine. Shivers went down Kisame's spine when she breathed on the back of his neck.

Red streaked his cheeks once again. He wasn't used to being around alot of girls, as much as he hated to admit it. "G-go and make sure nobody gets close to the base." He ordered. She nodded and once again blended down into the floor. Deidara giggled.

"Why are you acting so cute today, hm?" She got up and approached Kisame, circling around him.

"I guess you will have to stay here for now Deidara..." He said, now regaining his composure. Hidan and Kakuzu walked back in and reported that the criminal was already killed.

"Thats not like you. I asked you to call me _Dei-Dei, _un." She said. "Remember?"

"Dei-Dei?" he said. "Deidara? When did I say that?"

"Your so weird, Leader-Sama. Hahaha." She leaned in and wispered in Kisame's ear. "I asked you two nights ago, now you must remember." She frowned.

"What am I, some sort of a pimp?" He exclaimed out loud. Konan walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You said your purpose in life was to find a place in the world..." He said, one arm raised dramatically towards the ceiling. _That sounds exactly what I said a long time ago... _Kisame thought. "In between beautiful, powerful, women." He finished. Kisame's jaw dropped. _I stand corrected..._

"When did I say that?" He yelled.

"I think he has amnesia." Female Itachi said, coming up from behind Kisame. "I can think of a way to remind him..." She cooed.

"Why are you all so horny? And why are you here if you're a guy?" He pointed at Konan. He shrugged. He pulled on some pimp glasses from around his neck and sat back down on the couch, wrapping his arm around Pein.

"For one, you picked them because they are all either extremely uke-" He flicked his wrist and pointed at Itachi. "-or extremely seme." Konan pointed at Hidan, who meowed and made a claw with her hand. "And answer number two; I'm here because you said I needed to keep the girls company for when you are gone." He explained. "What happened to you? I think that fight with Boss Kakashi really did a number on you." He said.

"Boss Kakashi?" Kisame said.

Konan pulled down his glasses. "Do I really need to explain everything to you? He's the rival pimp. He is always fighting with you over the jinchuriki, because everybody knows that they are the most powerful whores ever. He already has one. That Naruto girl. Eh, she's not that hot. But boy does she pack a punch." He rubbed the right side of his face with his free hand. Only then did kisame notice that his right cheek was a bit redder then the left... "He doesn't have as cool and assistant as you do, though. Sakura is truly a bastard. He always goes showing off, but he doesn't have much to show for. And Sakura isn't the only assistant. Apparently, he has three others. That must mean he has alot more bitches than he says he does." He finished.

"Yeah, and he has my younger sister too." Itachi complained. "You promised to bring her here."

"And you want me to whore her out?" Kisame said, astonished at Itachi's comment.

"She's already a whore. But, I would be happier if she was _your _whore. That Kakashi is always taking advantage of her. You're always fair with us, and divide attention equally..." Itachi winked, as if suggesting otherwise.

"That Naruto bitch is his favorite. She is such a dumb blonde too, hm." Dei-Dei said. "At least I'm not stupid." She said, rolling her eyes.

"Not to mention you always train us, Leader." Kakuzu added from her position leaning against the door. "That's why we keep getting stronger and smarter. Sure, Kakashi trains them to be ninjas. But I like your training methods better."

_I train them? Really? _Kisame thought.

Tobi barged through the door, knocking Kakuzu off her feet.

"Leader~!" Tobi called. She and Sasori had returned.

"Watch it, floozy!" Kakuzu pulled herself off the ground and looked down angrily on the startled Tobi.

"Ladies, ladies!" Konan got up off the couch and separated them.

"Leader, can you tell Tobi to _watch where she is going?_"

"I didn't mean to..." Tobi folded her hands and pouted her lips from behind her swirly orange mask.

"Uh... Tobi, knock next time. Kakuzu, don't stand in front of the doorway." He said, feeling stupid having to solve the problems like this.

"You're so fair, Leader-Sempai!" Tobi ran up and hugged Kisame. Sasori came in and stood next to Kakuzu.

The floor to Kisame's left began to ripple, and Zetsu came up. She was damaged. Stratches covered her face, and crimson blood trickled down the sides of her mouth.

"K-Kakashi! he's come, and with the rest of his girls!" She exclaimed frantically. Kisame dashed outside, and lo and behold, Kakashi was standing in the clearing, encircled by 13 women (Who Kisame recognized as resembling Guy, Asuma, Iruka, Yamato, Neji, Kiba, Chouji, Lee, Sai, Shino, Shikamaru, Sasuke and Naruto. But of course, as females). Some differences were there, such as Naruto's hair was not spiky, but long and kept in two ponytails, Asuma was lacking facial hair, and her head hair was long and unkept. Guy did not have creepy eyes, and had short black hair (not in bowl haircut). Such as these distinguished them from male to female. Male Sakura and Male Ino stood firmly next to Kakashi.

"You're beginning to be more of a problem than before." Kakashi stated. "I think its time we end this war." he said.

Konan stepped forward. "We've been waiting for this moment for a long time." He said. The rest of the akatsuki filed out and gathered around their leader.

The girls began to trash talk each other and yell.

"Silence!" Kakashi ordered his girls, and they stopped immediatly. Konan gave one glance towards the rest of the akatsuki and they snapped shut. Kakashi spread his arms out and the surrounding girls fanned out around him. "I say we settle things."

Even though Kisame didn't know what they were fighting for, his battle instancts kicked in. Adrenaline pumped through his veins and he retrieved Samehada from his back, holding it out in front of him. "Lets fight." he demanded, and immediately the pack of enemy shinobi lunged at his akatsuki. With great skiil, each of them dodged the onslaught and returned a counter attack. Kisame headed straight for Kakashi. He used a water prison jutsu to trap just Kakashi in. Kisame came flying at him; sword at the ready. Kakashi's right hand flared with a bright blue light and sparked with fury. His unmistakable stance told of his devastating attack. the lightning pulsed and surged, pushing away the water and the bubble exploded, sending water droplets over the battle field as if it was raining. Kisame couldn't stop his charge as Kakashi came at him, and resorted to using Samehada as a shield.

The lightning flashed as Kakashi's right arm colided with the widesest side of Kisame's sword. Kisame was able to push Kakashi back and counter with a blow to the chest with the back of Samehada's handle.

Smoke rose from the wound on Samehada's side, and it squealed from the pain. The clothe was scorched and torn up from the shocks. Kisame sent extra chakra into Samehada to help heal the live sword's wound. Kakashi quickly regained balance and threw three shuriken at Kisame's head. He ducked, missing the projectiles by mere centimeters. Kisame needed to get close to Kakashi, but now he seemed to keep his distance; relying on long-distance earth release and water release jutsus.

Kisame had to get creative. Then it hit him. He quickly made a few hand signs, and then a water wave began to form underneath him. Then it began to expand, and soon he was headed toward Kakashi on a great blue wave. Samehada's spikes shot up and through the cloth wrapped tightly around the sword.

A sharp-toothed grin crossed his face as he neared his target. Kakashi couldn't counter.

Samehada ripped through the skin on Kakashi's abdomen, and blood spurted from the wound. As Kakashi fell to the ground, all fighting ceased. Its like time had stopped.

"Kakashi!" Naruto ran up and lifted his limp body, putting her ear to his chest. No celebration came from the akatsuki, either. Kisame hovered over the two, Samehada now back on his back where it belonged.

"Grab Naruto." Konan ordered, and Hidan and Kakuzu walked up and pried her away from Kakashi. Itachi grabbed Sasuke and pulled her away from the battle. Kisame looked up at Sakura and Ino.

"Take him. He's still alive." He comanded them. They nodded, and went to work treating his wounds. Kisame then turned to the rest of Kakashi's followers. "Anyone who wants to go back to Konoha better go now. One minute head start." There was a pause, and Guy, Asume, Iruka and Yamato left immediatly. The rest of them looked at each other questioningly. They too soon left. Sauke and Naruto were the only ones to stay, the latter against her will.

"That. Was AWESOME, un." Deidara said. "Pimp wars are the best."

"You did great, Leader-Sama." Pein congratulated Kisame.

"So what exactly happened?" Kisame asked.

"You beat the shit out of the other Pimp." Hidan said bluntly. "Pretty f'n cool."

"Now you are the Pimp of Konoha." Itachi said.

"Not to mention we have two new members." Konan said to Kisame, referring to Naruto and Sasuke.

"What now?" Kisame asked.

"Um... you have to initiate the new members." Konan walked up to Kisame and wispered into his ear.

"...by *beep* and then you *beep* and *beep* and then wait a day and do it again."

Kisame gagged. "What? I have to do what?"

"Ugh. Must i repeat myself? You have to quiz them and then you battle them and order them around. To test their loyalty. Then you wait a day and do it again."

"Oh... I couldn't hear you very well I guess." Kisame shrugged, relieved he didn't have to do what he though he had to do. Konan raised one eye brow and then made and 'o' with his mouth.

"That's next week." He walked away without saying another word.

"Wait what?"

"Just get some sleep." Konan said. "Its been and exhausting day." He slipped his pimp shades back on and waltzed inside.

Kisame walked back into his room and shut the door behind him. He fell on the bed, only getting back up to take off his cloak and Samehada. Sleep embraced him, and he fell into a deep slumber.

"Ki...me... Kis...e...Kisame."

"Huh..."

"Get up." Itachi said, and left their shared room after looking at him weird.

"He's... normal." Kisame rubbed his eyes and looked around the room. Everything was as he was used to. In the right place. He got up and looked himself in the mirror. He was flush with red on his face. He quickly shook off the blush and slid on his cloak and put on Samehada. When he walked out into the living room, there wasn't a bunch of girls there. Just the regular akatsuki. Pein was in his office where he should be; not Kisame. He let out a huge sigh of relief.

Just a dream.

Hidan was arguing with Kakuzu (as usual) until a lightbulb went off in his head, and he reached down into his cloak and turned to Deidara. He pulled out a pair of glasses and put them on.

They were pimp shades.


End file.
